I must admit that I never read the story of Rapunzel as a child, but I’m glad I finally did since it was quite entertaining. It was also very short, which I appreciated after having suffered through some of the other Grimm fairy tales. Let’s dive in.

There was once a man and a woman who lived in a cottage. Through their rear window they could see a beautiful walled-in garden that belonged to an enchantress. In it grew all kinds of beautiful plants, including rampion, or rapunzel as it is also called. Apparently, this flowering plant used to be eaten quite regularly, equivalent to how we eat spinach today. However, it must have been way more delicious, because the woman had a desperate craving for it, claiming that she would simply die without it. Hmm, maybe it’s more akin to some other plant I can think of. Anyway, the husband was eager to please his wife, so he decided to sneak into the garden and steal some rampion. However, he could never satiate her, who just craved more and more. Ok, now I’m convinced she was actually smoking it, because nobody likes spinach that much. The husband once again snuck into the garden, but this time he was caught by the enchantress. You may wonder, why couldn’t he just have politely asked for some rampion in the first place? That’s an excellent question… Anyway, he tried to explain himself to the enchantress, who like any competent drugdealer knew when her customer was hooked and decided to cut a deal; the couple would get as much rapunzel as they wanted, while the enchantress would take their first-born child to “care for like a mother”. Incredibly, the couple agreed to these terms, which really demonstrates how powerful addiction can be, and the depths to which people are prepared to sink to get their fix. So, if you happen to suffer from any kind of substance abuse, well, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do about that.

Eventually, the woman gave birth to a beautiful daughter and, per the arrangement, gave her up to the enchantress, who we later find out is called Dame Gothel. Gothel took her part of the deal seriously and did what any loving mother would do, which was to immediately lock up Rapunzel in a tower without doors or stairs. By the time Rapunzel had turned twelve years old, her hair had grown very long. This was fortunate because anytime Gothel wanted to visit Rapunzel she simply would exclaim: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy hair”, and she would be able to climb up. Now, you may be wondering why Gothel (who was an enchantress) needed to physically climb up the tower rather than just fly up or teleport herself. Or, you know, just get a ladder? Stop asking completely logical questions. You should know better by now.

A couple of years later, a young prince (let’s call him Rudolph) heard Rapunzel singing and was taken by her beautiful voice. He saw that there was no way for him to enter the tower, but thankfully overheard Gothel calling out her phrase. He decided to come back in the evening when the coast was clear and repeat the same words. Rapunzel, unknowingly, let her hair down and was shocked to see a handsome young man in front of her. She instantly vowed to marry him and instructed him to bring back silks to tie together into a long rope that she could use to climb down with. Again, why not just get a long ladder? Surely this technology must have been around for some time, no? Whatever, who cares anymore. Rudolph brought silks every day, but the plan was quickly thwarted when Rapunzel, like an absolute moron, one day just blurted out to Gothel that she was much heavier than that young dude that kept coming over. Gothel was outraged at this revelation (and insult) and proceeded to cut off Rapunzel’s hair before abandoning her in the desert.

The next time that Rudolph came over and asked Rapunzel to let her hair down, it was Gothel who lowered the braid. Rudolph climbed up unsuspectingly and was surprised to find Gothel there instead. Gothel scratched at Rudolph’s eyes, blinding him, but he managed to jump out of the tower, barely escaping with his life. He wandered around for a few years, before stumbling into the desert, only to find Rapunzel there with a child. Upon seeing Rudolph, she cried and her tears fell into Rudolph’s eyes, which regained their sight, and they lived happily ever after. The end.

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Ok, first of all, let’s be clear about one thing. Rapunzel was only about fourteen when she encountered Rudolph, and she had never seen a man in her entire life before that. So, basically, as soon as Rudolph came into her tower she immediately pulled down her panties and, well, let him into her tower, if you know what I mean. I find that rather disturbing. What kind of message are we sending here? Although, now that I think about it, maybe that is the message. Don’t overprotect your children or they’ll rebel and have sex with anyone. That would make sense, but then again isn’t this supposed to be a story for kids? It really ought to be parents that read this cautionary tale. I think the much more important lesson here is to avoid drugs at all cost, unless you want to become a crack hoe who sells your children.