Once upon a time, an old king was on his deathbed. He summoned his faithful servant John to request one last favor. The task was to show all the rooms and passages of the castle to the young prince after he ascended to the throne. That is, all except one room, which contained a portrait of the princess of the golden dwelling; a woman so beautiful that if one were to see her, one would be driven mad with desire. Faithful John was just that, faithful, so he carried out his duties as requested upon the king’s death. The prince (now the new king), let’s call him Jimmy, noticed that the castle tour did not include a certain room and got suspicious. John explained that this room was off limits as per the request of the former king. However, forbidden fruit is always more tempting and Jimmy just couldn’t help himself. John did his best to prevent Jimmy from going into the room, but it was all in vain. The door was opened, and although John tried to block the view, Jimmy managed to get a glance of the woman in the painting and immediately swooned over her and fainted. John “strengthened him with wine, until he came to himself again”. Usually it’s the other way around; first you drink wine, then you pass out, but it’s good to know that it works both ways. Anyway, Jimmy was now obsessed with wooing the princess of the golden dwelling, whom we shall call Samantha. He was informed that Samantha loved gold more than anything. He thus smelted all the gold of his kingdom and made elaborate jewelry and decorative pieces to persuade her into marriage, and set sail.
Once Jimmy and John arrived, they sent a message to the princess, bragging about all their gold. They decided not to disclose that Jimmy was royalty, but instead posed as merchants, although I’m not sure why. They claimed that they had so much gold, that they simply could not haul it to the castle, due to the sheer time and effort it would take. So, instead, Samantha would have to come and board the ship to inspect it all. This seems analogous to luring children into your van by enticing them with candy and puppies. Well, as it happens, Samantha did not suspect foul play and took the bait. While they were dangling all the shiny objects in front of her, they set sail without saying anything. Samantha was rightfully outraged once she realized that she had been abducted. That is, until Jimmy revealed that he was a king from a far-off land. Then she was thrilled all of a sudden, which must be the most rapid-onset Stockholm syndrome ever.
So, this is where everything spins out of control, and just for fun, I’m going to relay the next part of the story from Jimmy’s perspective, so that you can judge John’s actions for yourself. First, John stared at birds for a long time, ignoring everyone. Well, I suppose that’s fairly normal (if you can call birders normal, that is). Then, once they disembarked, John shot the horse that was supposed to carry the king. Next, when they arrived back at the castle, John burned a precious bridal gown. Finally, he sucked on Samantha’s right breast at a party. Keep in mind that at no point did John explain any of his actions. So, what would you do if you were Jimmy and had witnessed all of this? That’s right, you’d send John to the gallows, no matter how faithful he was, which is precisely what Jimmy did. But, don’t worry, it’ll all make ‘sense’ soon. I use that term very loosely.
Right before being hanged, John asked to say some final words and revealed that the birds had said that Jimmy would not have his bride unless someone killed the horse that would have flown away with him, burn the cursed bridal gown that would have killed him if he touched it and saved Samantha from dying by sucking the blood from her teat. Moreover, John would turn to stone if he told Jimmy about all this. Having divulged the secret, he was immediately petrified. Jimmy was wrought with guilt for not trusting his faithful servant and decided to bring stoned John to his bedroom.
Jimmy and Samantha eventually had twins. One day, as Jimmy lamented that he would do anything to have John back, the stone suddenly spoke and said that it would return to life if the king gave up what was most precious to him, namely his sons. He was to behead them and sprinkle their blood on the statue. Jimmy hesitated for a moment, but deemed it right to reward John’s sacrifice. So, he killed his children and covered the statue with their blood. John returned to life and, in turn, covered the boys with his own blood so that they too were revived, as if nothing had happened. The king rejoiced and hid both his sons and John in a closet to surprise Samantha. Once Samantha arrived, Jimmy suggested the same moral dilemma to her. She, too, chose to revive John. The king was heartened by her choice and revealed that both John and her sons were alive and well. They all celebrated and lived happily ever after. The end.
Although most of the early Disney films were based on old fairy tales, I don’t see this one being adapted any time soon. Unless they’re planning to make an R-rated movie with boob sucking and infanticide, that is. I, for one, would welcome it. I mean, it’s no Lion King but it can’t be much worse than what they’ve done in recent years. Then again, perhaps I’ve gotten too accustomed to all these modern storytelling tropes, like logic. It seems like literally anything can happen in these fairy tales, at any time, and we’re supposed to just accept it no matter how absurd it might be. As much as I hate predictable plots, the capriciousness of these stories tends to confuse me. Well, at the very least, the moral of this particular story seems to be pretty clear: jewelry and status are the road to a woman’s heart, and birding might just be useful. Did I get that right?
Sorobetea 